Happy Festivus!

The holidays. Full of commercialism, trying to awkwardly skirt around religious convos based on what you celebrate during this time of the month,  and hoping your co worker doesn’t bring a whack ass fruit cake to the company party.

But in 1997, we were introduced to a holiday by the patron saint of anger, Frank Constanza, father of George, the anxious one. It was a holiday that would bring family together for things other than the money, the greed, and the presents.

A FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!

Festivus starts off with a gathering of the family to air your grievances from the past year. Since I’m away from family, I decided to celebrate this year by airing out how I’ve felt about a few things in pop culture and my life this year.

I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU PEOPLE AND YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT TODAY!

Rihanna

I love her, with all of my heart but damnit, where’s the music?! She keeps avoiding us by wearing these amazing Savage by Fenty pieces and bathrobes while smoking the finest cannabis. We watch her everyday on Instagram be amazing meanwhile, I’m still listening to ‘Anti’ talking about “didn’t they tell you I was savage” after three years. I’m happy for her getting money in different avenues but I can only listen to ‘Breakin’ Dishes’ so many times before I give up.

LET THE ALBUM GO!

Reboots

I’m fed up. I’m not impressed and I’m in overload. If I see one more reincarnation, remake, or remix, I’m gonna scream. There were the highpoints, I enjoyed the reimagining of ‘Boomerang’ and even all of the ‘Black-ish’ universes, even though they’re dominated by light skins. But other than those few, I’m truly over this trend and just hope people decide to be original. Let’s give budgets to new stories and fresh concepts because I’ll be damned if they try to bring back ‘Family Matters’, I will literally set ABC on fire.

Traffic

Living in LA, I have even more of a hate for people in their cars. Being from Cleveland, a little traffic on 90W is nothing compared to being stuck on a bus on the 405. WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU GOING AT THE SAME TIME?! I hope whatever they decide on the shift of trying to make this place a commuter city works out because this sis is TIREDT!

Frank Ocean

You ever been so mad at somebody because they’re just that good? I’m annoyed at the fact he can write so well. It’s like he has this switch in his head that can express every emotion humanly possibly with words. Feeling sad? Feeling happy? Feeling drunk? Feeling sexy but emo at the same time? There’s literally a song for you, every trip. I want to write like him but I also don’t because I can’t fathom having all of those emotions at once. But also, which brings me to my next issue.

Laina Lovestein

Sis, you take too long to write. You get off work, go eat snacks and scroll on IG and bullshit. You watch ‘Rick & Morty’, get faded, and come up with these ideas but never sit back and draft. You jump into projects, get excited, then blame your sleepiness on the fact you never put pen to page. This month though, you did pretty well. Congrats and shit on the site, but if you don’t produce, you’re wasting your money on a Squarespace site. Do better next year, and stick to the plan.

Rich White People

Ya’ll get on my nerves. That’s it, that’s my beef.

Kanye West

Brother, you really showed out this year. And though I no longer have beef because you loving the Lord, chillin, and happy, but I just want you to tour. I don’t care if you have to make clean versions of every song and have Creflo Dollar come out on stage, I just need a show. You still didn’t give us the Kids See Ghost tour and we didn’t get the second round of Pablo shows like we were supposed to. I get it, you were going through things but I think it’s time. The Bible plays are cool and all but I think it’s time to just go back to the drawing board. Your fans need another spectacular like Pablo or Glow in The Dark. IT IS TIME!

Kids

I’m tired of ya’ll running me over at the mall. Why ya’ll not in school? Why are your Air Force One’s so dirty? Why do you take so many pictures while eating Chick-fi-A? GET OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN GET MY LEMONADE!

I truly hope ya’ll enjoy your holidays and get in the spirit of Festivus because we gotta continue to let our emotions out. Pick those bones and start the next year off fresh.